Tuesday, November 16

Identity

**Rant Alert**

I dont know if saying things aloud makes me any lesser of anything I am, or if Im committing heresy by venting it out. For, isnt life for women supposed to begin with marriage and kids?
However, I havent been known for my love of the righteous or an affinity to do the right always; I have always been the black sheep everywhere ... and keeping up with that tradition, I vent out here, the one place where I can be bad and yet get ignored (I know, no readers :P)

Life is getting increasingly frustrating these days, and it is getting really difficult keeping it all canned in....

- Im this restless person who hates having time on her hands and nothing to do with it. I was working close to 12 hours a day even when my due date for delivery was just 2 weeks; so sitting at home twiddling thumbs for close to 3 months now is getting really on my nerves.

- I have no clue what to do post my maternity leave with the daughter. I would hate to leave her in a creche or a day care centre having heard all the gory stories about these places. At the same time, I cannot quit my job (too many commitments currently to do so) to take care of her. My mom despite staying in the same city, stays too far away for me to drop the kid and pick her up everyday & the kid is too small for me to wean her off breast milk and leave her at mom's.
Despite all the praises that I usually shower on my employers, I hate to say that those morons havent thought of a day care centre for their employees - that would keep their attrition rates low!

- I am so damn sleep deprived that Im craving for a good night's sleep. At times I have this really huge urge to just pack my lappie, my blackberry and my debit and credit cards and run. Just RUN. Away from all this madness of staying at home, waking up once every 90-120 mins to feed the daughter, stay awake all night with her, because her body doesnt have a decent clock yet, change diapers and listen to her howl all night long. I feel like my life is sand slipping away from my fingers and that there is nothing I can do about it. Am I a bad mom for thinking like this? Dammit, the guilt that this question brings with it, is far more burdensome than the sleep deprivation. I hate my husband and my family for encouraging me for having a child, and then I hate myself for thinking like this and this becomes like an endless vicious circle and I keep wallowing in so much self pity and anger and guilt and I totally understand now, why women have a post partum depression.... I feel like Im going insane at times - like standing at the middle of a cross road and just yelling my lungs out.

- After a month of marriage, I hadnt yet moved all my things to the hubby's place, and looking at the amount of changes my life underwent, and the lack of time to be me, I had made a conscious decision to not take my books along with me. People who know me, mostly know me as someone who cannot stay for long without books and so, this was like a big decision for me, and it saddend me to no extent.... I had somehow managed to convince myself on that one - and as the days went by, I saw myself have no time whatsoever to even go to the loo; though the longing to get back to books was always there, lack of time made it easy for me to convince myself. Now, that Im back at mom's place, looking at all those crates of books increases my post partum depression. I feel so lost without my books and feel like Ive lost a part of my identity by letting go of my reading habit.

- There is someone whom I hate with all my heart. This is that kind of hate that makes your dentist and your cardiologist happy, cos you are gnashing your teeth and making your arteries bulge with anger even at a mere mention of the name. This person, whom I really hope shrivels up and dies in his/her own vomit looks like he/she is going to be a permanent fixture in my life, someone I'll have to see day in and out, every waking minute of my life .... and Im getting suicidal by thought of this event happening in the near future.
I plan to cook something really delicious, spray a generous amount of rodent killer and serve it, either to this person I hate, if Im evil enough, or to myself if I chicken out from serving this person!!! Argh! I think my BP just shot up to a 300 just writing these lines! damn

- I feel like Im losing my identity, people would call it evolution and etc, but I just feel like Im losing it & I need out. I hadnt bargained for all this in my life. Im not happy with it. Can I get a refund for my life please?

I have this memoryof this movie(?) serial(?) that I once watched as a kid. It is one of those dialogues that kinda has stayed, though at that point in time, I had no comprehension of what was being said ... (wierd huh?)
There are these two sets of couples at a coffee shop (I think); and one of the men go -
"we used to have so much fun earlier" to which the other guy remarks "shaadi ke baad sab kuch khatam. koi life hi nahin" (Everything is over post marriage, there's no life now)
to which one of the women retorts
"Why is it that we women are taught that only after marriage, does life begin, we look at that event as life changing & life giving.... we give everything to it, and give up everything for it, including our identities, just to hear you guys say your life has ended post marriage".

I now empathise with both those genders, for I feel both right now.

**end of rant**

5 comments:

writerzblock said...

Came here from IHM's blog.... this was a super duper post, and I cannot help nodding away and laughing at 'This person, whom I really hope shrivels up and dies in his/her own vomit looks like he/she is going to be a permanent fixture in my life,' LOL! Really!!! I think you are giving her/him way too much attention than she/he deserves!! Just IGNORE her/him. Grab a good book or an iPod and immerse yourself in things that are worth giving your energy and attention to :-)

wsw said...

Baby..ummah...as they say this too shall pass

Nasia said...

*Hugs*
Extremely scary.. very very scary..

JustSo said...

@writerzblock - :) Yep, would have loved to ignore this person, but ignoring isnt possible when he/she is breathing down your neck every waking minute. Rodent killer it is!! :)

@WSW - yes it shall, only when you write more frequently, I shall drown my sorrows in your witty writing

@Nasia - me guess this is life. One big horror show :P

faust said...

i don't know much about being a mom. but i can tell you that you have got to stop freaking yourself out. Take a deep breather. And as far as reading goes, never let go of it. and when it really gets to your head, listen to hard core metal and let it drown everything else out. get a nanny for your kid. really eases things out. and yeah rant as much as you can. let your fingers take it out of you.