Tuesday, October 11

Thoughts and Violence - Unadulterated crap

I have extreme mood swings..... at times when least expected .... at people least expected and stay for lengths of periods least expected. Why and How of my mood swings I havent yet been able to figure out.

In fact this blog is a result of a mood swing.... This blog began when I was so frustrated and felt that if I take a pen and a paper, the pen is more likely to act as a sword and slash the paper rather than write on it. I doodled using the keyboard and voila ... ! here's this blog. Since then ravings. rantings, musings which a paper would never bear have all been here on this blog.

There are some days where nothing can ever touch me ... call me a moron and I shall smile back at you ...... there are days when everything seems bad and bleak .... call me intelligent and I shall fight as I would interpret something sinister in that word.

More often than not I have seen that these swings are because of my inability to emote ....this is more of a result of our hypocritical society which shuns 'excessive' display of emotions.. but then who is to judge what is excessive?
Show your anger and you are called short tempered, show your jealousy and you are called mean, show your love and you are seen as someone who publicly displays affection .... emotions then do not remain so, they tend to become caluclations ... can I show this feeling of mine? Yes? If so to what extent is it permissible? No, the minute you step back and think about it ... the emotion/feeling ceases to be.

I am feeling powerful undercurrents of depression, anger, jealousy, failure and hate now.
Yet if a snap be taken , one would only see a calm tranquil face , a more introspecting person would maybe see a trouble brewing in the eyes... for I have never been able to control the eyes and their expression , they seem to have a mind of their own ....

I get extremely pissed off at people who act as "Goody-Two-Shoes" or "Mr/Miss Know-It-All" or "Sneering-at-your-back-but-feigning-symapthy" Oh Puhlease ..... give me a break ... sneer at my face if you want to , do not I repeat , DO NOT be hypocritical, it takes away the beauty of life ..... I am forced to bear a failure of mine with a smiling face , but then as I said , my eyes just give me away .... I guess that makes a much lesser hypocritical moron.

I feel like physically lunging for someone's neck , but I am forced to keep my hands to myself, my eyes though if they had the power , would have burnt the person right there ....

No I am not ashamed to admit the base feelings of jealousy and anger run through me more often than the esteemed virtues of love and forgiveness .... hate is something I have never been able to conquer, anger when unleashed is my master and I its willing servant, spite stems out as naturally as weed in a paddy field... but then where is the man/woman who is free from these shackles? Atleast none in this age and this day.
If a colleague gets a promotion, its my right to feel a sense of failure, If someone gets an oppurtunity I have not got , it is very much my right to feel jealous, My right to feel extreme anger when someone in whom you have trusted opens up your very wounds to the public to see ....
An even bigger right to lash out at that person who while sniggering at your back asks if you need his help .....

Sympathy? Pity? no these are the emotions I hate the words ... as they say in Kannada /Telugu "Aiyyooo papa(m)" or in Hindi " Arre bechhaaaraaaa" Im not a bloody extinct animal for you to give out such foolish words and more over you have no right to depress me further and push me into self pity by uttering those damaging words ... I can bear physical pain , but not emotional blackmail using such meaningless words.

Tell me that I went wrong, say that I deserved it for XY or Z reasons, tell me that I am not capable of doing P,Q or R things , I shall take it much better than an hour of crying along me , for I know that If you have to cry for me , you should either be a saint to whom everybody's sorrow reaches out and touches you ( children ... for one , have this amazing saint like quality) or you must be so near to me that my pain hurts you more than it hurts me , and I know you are niether ... so stop showing that false concern and move on.

Now that I have spent enough steam on this piece of crap , I can with some measure of calm get back to what I was doing .... of course , I was working my a$$ off all for a paltry sum at the end of the month.

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