How random can thoughts get? I dont know, Im still thinking :P
Right now Im not sure whether I want to write anything or not ....
Well, I decided though that I am bored and being bored is the right time to write anything , but then , Im so bored that I would rather not right anything. But opposing even myself is a habit with me ...
Will you believe it if I told you that I began this blog two days back and am pursueing it now again , Saturday night , again getting bored to the bone!
My whole week has been such a disaster , one that Im not going to forget in a jiffy ! The beginning of the week had some skirmishes with my manager, who seems hanging in the very end of mood swings like a tarzan , one minute this tree, the other minute the next tree !
Office is where I spend more than 8 hours of the day, around 2-3 hours after and before thinking about office ... so not being in sync with someone important does not exactly leave me with an urge to hit the disc at the end of the week
The only solace I could find was a trip that we had been planning for the past 15 days, My friend's body decided to reble and she began her chums , she cancelled the trip, my body decided to rebel as well.. Im now a mass of emotions that have no relation to this real world, all because my body is preparing itself for an eventual motherhood ! Damn ! Jab shaadi hogi tab naa bache? Why now? and Why Me? My gran mom thinks its a mark of womanhood, I think its the worst thing to ever happen ! :-(
I feel angry,sad,irritated, happy and lazy all at the same time ! I feel so like a WOMAN ! ugghhh ! and thats not a happy feeling to have!
To Top it , I sit in office when I low and out, need a couple of laughs and read Abhinav's post and my resolve and resolution to forget the past dissolves as quickly as that ball of calcium does in that "Easy Off Bang" Ad ! ( Forgive my analogy if you can) ..... I dont think anyone can imagine how bad it is to sit at office, have a bad day, cant work, and cant stop thinking about a guy, who in all possiblity has done one of these 3 things
1. Gotten back to his earlier Girlfriend ( who was a stunning beauty of a kind , forget it, im not even trying to compete with her) ;
2. ** The most likely possiblity** Gotten himself a brand new girl to swing at his elbow to these foolish parties that these good-for-nothing raiz zyaade throw !
3. Not the most likely possiblity - Has gotten into Hyderabad Ramakrishna Ashram.
I dont quite know, which of the three it is, and am not sure I really want to know which of these three it is , for any would for sure break my already broken heart.
********************* Day 3 **** Sunday Noon*****************************
Every Morning, I have a promise
All my Memories , today will have their demise
I shall , them , on the altar of today, burn
I shall, from them, towards the road of future, turn
Every Night, Every Resolve, every resolution
Every decision, every determination
My burnt, tattered and abused memories rise
like a phenoix from the ashes
I fear the night, it is irrational and illogical
It makes me go back to the time
when days were warm and nights magical
Another night, I toss and turn
Another night, For myself I mourn
I fall asleep, feeling his breath on mine, all in my mind
I wake up feeling the curtains moving to the wind
Its morning and I resolve
This memory, I shall dissolve.
My cousin's fallen and broken her little finger, Iron pieces in her tiny hand, her face all bunched up in pain ... It hurts me to see the small kid writhing so, I see her, she assures me through gritted teeth that it doesnt pain, tears well in my eayes and she wipes them away with her free hand, she takes me to the terrace, the place where she fell, she tells me how it happened, I shiver, the rod could have hit her head, I hug her, clutch her and beg her to be more careful. I love her.I tell her that I do ... and when Im raging with these emotions hieghtened by my chums, I feel another tiny hand come up to my hand and tug it, "Will you hug me only if I get hurt too?" it asks? I smile and lift her, she is so small that I can lift her easily with one hand , she's my younger cousin. I kiss her too, we are an odd lot ... one 22 year old,one 8 year old and one 2 year old, all cousins, sit in the moonlight and laugh our pains away, some physical , some emotional, show each other our scars, some physical, some emotional, we laugh a little , sing a little and ask the tiny tot to dance , and watch it imitate Aishwarya in Kajara re by lifting its Tee to its arm pits ! We laugh and forget the world for a moment, but , for its just these moments we have, the next I become an adult, I become blind to their innocent world, I step into mine, where 11 deaths in a single night are termed as "suicide" , where , emotional scars are termed as "ornaments of the weak".
As both of them come forward to hug me and whisper a quick "I love you" and hear a "Ohh my bacha , I love you too, good night , sweet dreams", Im suddenly reminded of him, how strange that my 2 year cousin's little peck on the cheek ( biting the apple - as she calls it) should remind me of his kiss. I shake my head, as though a physical moment will get it out of me, I fail, I turn to the task at hand, I need to drive back home. Im somehow haunted by the kisses, my cousin's and his. Somehow to me both are merging into one, my cousin turning into him, he into my cousin , bith kissing me, sometimes my cheek, sometimes my .... I wake up in a sweat, Ive been dreaming for a long time I realise. I still cant shake away the presence of the moment in and around me.
I switch on the computer.Somehow the errie, unnatural blue glow of the computer fails to comfort me. I connect to the internet, my mobile tells me its 12:45 AM , already Monday.
I see Krsna , the ever present wallpaper of mine. For me , Krsna has to be everywhere. Today, he fails to comfort me too. He is looking lovingly at his Radha, I heart burns and bleeds for my Krsna .
I tell myself, that my chums have, as usual, blocked my mind, they have taken over my emotions and that’s why I'm acting so weird. I am a logical person, I rationalize. I tell myself both instances happened in the night, that’s why my mind which wasn’t thinking anything when my cousin hugged me, took a random file on hugs and kisses and connected this to that.
My chums have made me illogical…. I refuse to accept this rationale. I switch off the computer; switch it on again, I remove the LAN cable as though it was the object of my anger; reconnect it. I pace the room; I sit down in front of my computer. Type some illogical gibberish; publish it even…. May be I’ll rock myself to sleep, try my cousin’s way, suck my finger, or try my brother’s way, read a boring class notes, or maybe , just type until I sleep on my computer.
Blame it on my chums. It has robbed me of logical thinking. My chums the reason.