1.A certain degree of Rant mode is On,
2.The post may or may not be hilarious - it certainly is prejudiced
3.People who drink stay away - this prejudice is AGAINST them.
Let it not be said that JustSo did not warn you guys.
A small town girl,
A job in an MNC in a 'near' metro
A 4th of July office outing
A disc and a humongous number of drunk bastards.
What do you think this combination will give you?
If you are a die hard bollywood fan ( esp the bollywood when Mithun, Chunkey Pandey, Aditya Panscholi* and Govinda reigned supreme)and think this will result in the girl running through long deserted dim light corridors while the drunk bastards pursue her and ultimately, the girl slips and falls down, complete with wet-with-sweat-bosom-heaving and waist length hair sticking to her face .. her dupatta torn, having gotten stuck in one of the rose plants kept there, for no other reason but so that the thorns tear her duppatta out ... while the drunk bastards ( DB henceforth - Im too lazy to write the twp whole words) menacingly approach her, abuse her while she shouts out for her brother (or boy friend depending on who Govinda/ Mithun/ Chunkey Pandey et all are to her in the movie) and rape her, and leave her simpering in the dark corner of the corridor, until the brother/ boyfriend/ police find her and she decides to run and jump from the balcony and end her pathetic existence ... ( lalit exlains the concept of rape - complete with pictures here) ...you are so damn wrong dude!!!
Im as untouched as the
Enough Digressing ( yes I know Ive put an asterix mark on Aditya Panscholi - read till the end to know why) I shall come back right to the point - complete with diagrams of the human anatomy. aah, I can see you drooling there - already - you h**** bastard.
okay - So here I am ... joined the company at the sweet age of 19 .. just a few days shy of her 20th birthday ( by the way why do they call it shy of nth birthday? I wasnt shy to be 20, In fact I was looking forward to it .. *sigh* anyways) ... 4th of July looms large - before you know it, its there - a week after her joining date.
The small town girl knew no holidays in her CA institute ( oh, BTW, they just replaced the word slavery with articleship in the websters ... you have to read the fine print to know that) ... 15th of August was called the Independence day. 4th of July was a bit of info that needed to be memorised and nothing more.
So, here she goes, all wide eyed and in awe of this company party with a busload of people she hardly knows. She's asked to enjoy herself - team building and socialising are the words.
She knows practically no one and feels lost and out of place- you have loud english music blaring from every corner of the resort. ( yeah we are taken out to a resort ever year) . Backstreet boys was one thing - all this crazy Engilpis was another.
Men were semi nude, and started jumping into the pool. The women - atleast the ones with bombshell figures started stripping too...
aiiyyyoooooo the smartha kannadiga brahmin that she is, it was all too much to take - men and women - aiyyooo!!!
Suddenly - like magic I say ... everyone dissapears - where to? hmmm this needs to be investigated.
There are thumping sounds coming from that end of the resort - maybe some carpenter is busy at his work ... well, better than looking at a pool that until a few minutes back held semi nude figures eh?
Walk on in the direction of the sound ... ohh! whats this smell? its stinking like a dead rat in a gutter full of shit! what IS this? Oh wait! This is the funny smell that the beer godown had ! The carpenter is drunk! OMG ! no Justso... havent you seen enough movies? stay away. Stay virgin.
What's this the team lead is walking on to this direction? Cling on to his shadow... walk along with him - maybe he knows where to go ( bilaady female - no sense of direction at all you have )
The teamlead is going towards the drunk carpenter - maybe I should warn him ... run JustSo- tell him
Ohh... this aint a carpenter - this is a muzik system .. its blaring out hip hop err... no, its blaring out some mindless Tamil song!
The girl manages to get in, for all her 19 years - she's learnt this - 1. drinking is a sin
2. people who drink are bad - they are the prem chopras and the helens .. you are the mumtaz and the waheeda rehman - you and drink dont go together
3. Disc floors are places where the vamp and the villian dance together or the brat daughter of that rich smuggler and just-returned-from -phoren hero dance : kannda smartha orthodox girls stay away from dance floors - even if they do go near such a floor - it should be a bharatnatyam stage and not a jhataka matka engilpis song dance routine.
All this is shattered in a second. Every damn person in there is either drunk and/ or is dancing wierdly with some one who is drunk.( if wild gesticulating and trying to unzip his/ her pants to pee while signalling for another drink and trying to hold back the vomit that threatens to rage up the esophagus is dancing).
Now, the girl is direction challenged; add to it a couple of 100 acres of land on which the resort is built. She is faced with two options 1. stand there in a corner - wait for the team to be done and walk back to the exit along with them to where the buses are waiting to whisk us back to civilization 2. try and explore the way back- and maybe - get lost in that corridor that Ive already explained above.
Option 1 ladies and gentlemen seems safer. So there is she is , in a corner - almost on the verge of tears for having broken every rule of her lifetime; waiting for one of these drunk bastards to show up and walk back to the bus.
Meanwhile - a DB ( who joined along with her - and now probably does not know the difference between a moose and a mouse ; a girl and a gate) who wants to have some fun walks up to her.
1.He is drunk.
2.He thinks he is Subhash Ghai
3.He also thinks he is Brad Pitt.
4.He thinks his hand is a camera.
5.He is a bastard.
You will need a lesson in this -
Now - try and touch your palm / fingers to your shoulder ( unless you have biceps thrice the size of Hritik Roshan or are as fat as yokozuna - you should be safely be able to do this)
okay once youve done this - make a circle with your thumb and forefinger of the other hand. Like you say " saras che - bahu saras che in gujju ; or say zero in English) Like this -
After that - push your elbow into that hole you have in your other hand.
Yes, there you have your camera now. Its a camera only if you are drunk enough and stupid enough.
This DB thinks, the girl is an odd man out and decides to 'shoot' the girl with this camera of his. Did I mention the girl was already on the verge of tears? ahh ok.
Two huge tears make their way from within the eyes, onto the eyelids..
At first slowly and then fast .. very fast. She runs to the other end of the disc ( which prooves to be extremely difficult - she has to dodge a dozen DBs in her way) ; finally reaches the other end and turns towards the pillar. The DB yet hasnt let go of her. He makes his way through and continues to shoot her - this time - from the head to toe - he is sickengly close and she can feel his breath on her which is laced with so much of beer that she almost pukes.
By now, she is least bothered about who is around - she beings to bawl and HOW. She is now crying openly - head in hands and her kurta soaked in tears. Two angels come to take him away and she is led out of the disc. She asks one of them to lead her to the bus - and spends the next 4 hours in the bus alone hoping the damn bus would just start and take her home - shivering with fright about what happened. ( one of those angels - thankfully is a good friend of hers, and a fellow colleague in her team whom the girl trusts ever so much today)
The rest - goddammit is history. ( dont want to write it here)
So , here is a true story of the Great JustSo when she got a 'culture' shock of her life. Since then, she has forever steered clear of any sort of office party and still gets the shivers when she sees a drunk bastard anywhere. Having gotten adjusted to the fact that not all people who drink are bad - she still cant adjust to the fact that people actually drink. :-(
(* - Aditya Panscholi - what WERE his parents thinking? naming him a 'choli'? and that too - ek nahin - paanch paanch - panch-choli?- kya kar rahe they yaar? I mean itna taank khaank karta tha banda that the girls had to wear panch -choli ki uska naam hi panch-choli pad gaya?)