Something has happened, something that has unlocked all that I tried to keep so carefully swept under the carpet. There are somethings that you can change, and there are things that you need to live with. and then, there are things that you can niether change, nor live with - such issues get swept under the carpet. Occasionally when someone tries to dust that carpet out, the dust gives you a big time allergy.
Im reeling under that allergy for a couple of days now; amplified by the fact that this is the time when I have violent mood swings, it may be an episode existing entirely only in my figments of imagination and not beyond. *sigh*
A bitter taste pervades the mouth permanently; a feeling of nausea is not entirely absent. Feel a general aversion to food. (on second thoughts I think - that its good for me; atleast some weightloss eh?) a pallor of gloom also pervades along with the bitter taste, I can see the cynical pessimism creeping up again; something I have fought against for sometime now. the worst thing being, I actually feel like giving into it ... makes life easier it seems. Optimism can be very burdensome at times. By writing this crap, Im breaking a promise made to myself; that self pity shall not exceed a couple of lines at the most on the blog.
okay, but it isnt like the days are all morose and sad; on the contrary- they are filled up with people and places and jokes and laughter; but you know there is this .... sigh .... no you dont know. I dont want you to know. I mean what crap? I like watched atleast 4 movies in the last three days, watched Taare Zameen Par and decided that I'd gotten myself into worse fixes than that kid there; got lots more scolded than him ... nothing too great in it. Also, given the fact that not all children ARE understood; so he was, you can say, the luckier of the lot. Watever - as though I give a horses ass to it. Watched Nehle Pe Dehla ; doesnt it like take the word worst to another dimension completely? okay well, it isnt as bad as those mindless flicks by Karan Johar. okay. Shopped a lot; got poorer by several thousand rupees, shopped with girls (ugh in hindsight - believe me; shopping with girls can be an excercise - I mean - what kind of a fool should you be to stare at one damn thing for a complete 30 minutes and go
"bhaiyya isme thoda sa light shade, yahi wale embroidery main, pure silk main, kuch kam paison main, milega?"
and when the poor haggled shopkeeper manages to pull it out with an expression that would have made Archimedes' expression of Eureka pale in stare at it for another 45 minutes checking every minute detail, turn around and exclaim to yours truly that
"arre, aise wala to mere paas pahle se hi hain, chalo, us wale shop main dekhte hain" with the gait of Mallika Sherawat when she's asked to shed her clothes for camera.
I mean you goddamn looked at twenty three thousand found hundred and forty five shops to exclaim this???
So you see, it isnt all morose and sad, have been wandering off until the wee hours of the night with random friends who dont have to face a mom when they meander into their rooms at 2 AM in the night. But then, my mom's okay these days, I guess she's given up on me, completely.
but, inspite of it all, you know ... there is this ... aah, well you dont. you wont know and I wont tell you anything. because I suspect its all in here (taps head) a figment of my imagination.
And, moving on, let me narrate a story.
Actually, on second thoughts, let me not. Not because I dont have one, I actually have one; but its too - well, complicated. you know relationships and all, affinities and all, speech and silence and much more. you wont understand. I dont want you to.
right now, do this - switch off the lights of your room, close the windows, draw the curtains, sprawl back on your bed, close your eyes, let your body go loose limbed, feel each part of your body - no not by touch; I mean mentally feel the presence of your limbs ... think of your thoughts, feel your heart, hear it beating; feel the tears come out from the corners of your closed eyes, feel that faint smile on your lips ... feel yourself... feel one with yourself, with your body, your mind, your heart and your ego. let go, walk into sub conciousness, let sleep overcome you.
Fall in love with me; fall in love with yourself.