Whining matters

There is this episode of Scrubs where Kelso, who's recently retires says this about his retirement plans:

"we plan to tour the wine country"
"of course, anywhere Im with her, it is whine country"

*sigh*

I miss my friends. I miss the useless banter and the worthless talk we had once. With everyone getting married and "settled" and moving out of each other's lives; I miss them dearly.

I miss R a lot. He used to be my 4 AM friend. A rare guy with a combo of IQ, EQ and adequate adult jokes. Then, he got married. His blog is protected, the number of friends on his FB have drastically reduced, my Gtalk escapades have dwindled to a big fat zero. and I miss him.

when you trust people completely, even a stupid small "untruth" might throw you into a huge hole of depression. Though it might be something like "it wasnt me" when its just the two of you, and a silent fart and its smell fills the room.

I miss moping around at home, getting scolded by mom about not moving my lazy ass to get things done at home. I hate having to cook, clean, sweep and mop and do all the conventional "grihalakshmi" tasks. (in case you are wondering about domestic help - im not someone who likes strangers peeping into what I ate yesterday or wondering why the sheets in the bedroom are all crumpled up - I HAVE to have my house to myself.)


I miss having my bro pull my leg and say something really stupid for everything I said/ did. Now he's all grown up and like -"how are you doing sis? feeling fine? take care. Hows the baby doing". I miss pulling each other's hair out, and sitting on each other to decide who gets the remote. Finally one of us getting hurt and the other getting yelled at by mom and dad.

I miss dad. As days go by without him, the pain of him not being around only increases. I miss his really annoying, stupid antics using which he made us laugh. His songs off key and his really made up lyrics that made absolutely no sense.

I miss me. I really do. I miss the person I used to be. I hate the person I am now. Though I understand the inevitability of change and transition, I cannot come to terms with it.

I miss eating / not eating stuff without people telling me whats good or whats not. I miss papayas the most. My dear poor negative calorie fruit.

Okay, I thought I missed whining, and might just suck at it, after so long. I realise that I can whine with the same amount of gusto, and as I write, the more I feel the need to whine. So, until the next whine, crib and sob.

Reminscing

It was a time to think back on the third/ fourth grade science text book when the news channel aired the black and white images of Sputnik rushing off to space. The 50th year anniversary of man's foray into space; and the emerge of "star wars"; the epic moment of when fiction becomes fact is today, another day; which then, was a moment unparalleled in the history of mankind. While India rejoices on "her"(!!??) daughter Sunita William's glory in the world history ... I spent a few minutes thinking about my school teacher who made me spell Yuri Gagarin right, and admonished us kids for giggling over Laika - the first dog (or was it the monkey?) in space and got amused all over again with thoughts of what Maneka Gandhi would have told them on having blasted a poor animal to space. Today, space travel is the ultimate in showing off your obscene amounts of wealth. Recently, sitting at my Doc's clinic, I read about space sex ....hmmm... we-ll.... I guess space sex takes Pretty Woman to the next century eh?

Admid the Radio mirchis and Radio Citys and the Big Radios that the spectrum is clogged with these days, my late nights back home allow me to savor the flavor of the bygone times. Vividh Bharati. Not that I dont like the English muzik that spews from Radio Indigo or dont listen to stupid shayari that is aired on Radio City - here sample this-

"ye zaalim palat ke to dekh, hum bhi to dil rakhte hain
Tum car rakhte ho to kya? hum bhi rickshaw rakhte hain"

Vividh Bharati though holds a different place altogether in my heart. Inspite of its capacity to get hold of monotonous announcers who talk in deadpan voices over the years, inspite of its faux pas that it keeps committing by announcing one song and playing another, inspite of colleagues telling me Ive aged at 24; Vividh Bharati remains a personal favorite.

It celebrates its 50th year anniversary this month. It aired snippets of all the celebrities who had compered its shows like Jaymala and ek-hi-film se; celebrities like Balraj Sahni, Ashok Kumar (yes - he was young too - well, maybe), Dev Anand (can anyone call him old?), Gulzar, and many more whom I did not recognize; played songs that were pure platinum; some of the songs were Wa---yyy beyond me; but the general nostalgia bit me.

Was reminded of the days when we had a small black and white TV with no other channel but doordarshan - the TV was switched on only to listen to Gujrathi and Hindi news. Switching on TV in the mornings was a sin worse than murder; and my dad an avid music buff needed his daily dose of music while he shaved and showered. Dad found a way to bend his beloved wife's rules - switch on the radio - and hum along with it. Teach me songs and dance wierdly to its tunes making me laugh; while fending off questions like "why can you alone shave? why cant I?" and "why are you not shaving the hair on your head?"

A ladies man, my dad, would attract a lot of female attention in the Motinagar Society as he sang along to "Mere saamne wale khidki" , mom would get so irked and angry; and that was when dad would wait for a nice romantic song like "phoolon ke rang se" or " tum bin jeevan" to play and waltz into the kitchen to hold her in his arms and make her shake her head and sigh in resignation at her husband's antics.

I remember these scenes with so much clarity even after a good 17-18 years; a time when we werent too well off, the home was just three rooms - a kitchen, a hall and a bathroom-cum-toilet, but we were laughing, always. When the sound of dad's Silver Plus meant a chocolate and on Sundays, an outing to Lal Bagh. And Vividh bharati - and my dad's imitations of all the announcers and his sing along songs and women - even married- who always were vying for his attention :D (which of course used to make mom go soooo mad with jealousy).

Im glad I return late from office, in time to listen to Vividh bharati; even after 50 years, it still keeps putting people to sleep with its army of deadpan announcers. :-)

aaj vividh bharti pe aap sun rahe hain ....

Heard this song on Vividh Bharati on my way back home.
This song has always been one of my "ultimate" romantic songs.
See how serene the setting, obviously the pair is not well off, he's riding a bicycle, but they are oblivious to that; what matters to them is not the riches, but rather themselves. Thats love. Isnt it?
To be happy because the one person who matters the most is next to you. ahh I could go on, but lets stop here.

hey maine kasam li,
hey tune kasam li, nahin honge juda hum.....

paake tujhe khoya kabhi,
khoke kabhi paaya ,
janam janam tere liye,
badli humne kaaya

Another reason for my romance with this song is dad.
I have a CD of a collection of similar songs at home. I would always play this CD atleast once in a couple of days -usually when he would be near the sink shaving, he loved this song. He would stride down to the living room, wearing nothing except for his 'trademark' underwear, do a funny dance and ask "have you seen this sorta dance elsewhere?" I would always laugh and reply "yes - you just did" and get a smear of his shaving cream on my nose or cheek and walk away humming this song. Dad believed in love, forever an optimist dad was a joker, a clown,a friend, a whipping boy, a pillar but above all, a perfect human being - and a perfect dad. He loved his children more than anything, and *pats self on the back* I was his favorite *grins*

Today, in the dead of the night, listening to this song in the cab, brought back such vivid memories of his shaving cream, that I had to wipe my nose to check if there was any chaving cream there - I could almost smell it there :D

Here's the youtube embed -

Shutting Shop

Shutting shop for the next one week.
Get your daily fix elsewhere dear addicts :-)

And if you have to be here, spend your time listening to coupla of Dad's shave time songs :-)

10 - Mera Pyar Bhi...

09 - Do Sitaron Ka...

So much

I miss you.

So much.

Those songs sung off key while you shaved,
Your constant need to keep drinking tea or coffee,
That pelvic thrust filled dances you did to make us laugh,
That Egyptian pose you struck and called it "Z",
The trust you placed on me,
That love you had for me,
The concern in your voice,
The phone call you gave me unfailingly at 2 to ask if I'd eaten,
Those silly jokes you cracked,
That leg pulling over my future husband that you so enjoyed,
Our bitching session on our managers and professors,
That joy on your face when I achieved something - albeit minuscule,
The gossip we shared about our relatives,
That bisi-bele-bath, palao and all those tasty somethings you cooked
Those not-so-tasty ventures for which I was the guinea pig,
Our fights over who's right,
Your annoyance when I emptied the petrol you'd filled on one of my "trips" on the two wheeler,
Your chidings to take care and go slow,
Your voice saying -"top villain" or "Ananth",
Your scrawlings of phone numbers on every newspaper,
That “aren’t you asleep yet" holler when I spent late nights on the computer
That "change the channel" when a condom ad played on TV
Your smell that overpowered me when you hugged me,
Those “I want to watch Kannada” tantrums,
Your surprise gifts and let’s get junk food moods
Our impromptu antaksharis
The sorrow when I got hurt - that statement that you had ready " you fall down and scrape your knee and it hurts me" everytime
The "Im there for you",
The " You are the best - you will do it"
The " you are MY daughter - I love you"
The faith you had in me
Your presence at home

I miss you -
So much.

Happy Father's Day dad.

Love

I have never been someone who has been vocal in his love and affection , that is , until now , all that changed with her. The minute she entered my life , I was a different man.
The feeling of holding her in my arms was past compare...

It felt like heaven to me to be actually holding her in my arms , she was crying , I tried to soothe her and she rewarded me a tiny smile in between her tears , I bent down to kiss her , my moustache seemed to have tickled her , she held my mush with her hands and tugged at it ... waves of happiness coursed down my spine.

for how long I held her , I know not , she was drowsy already , I held her , coaxing her to sleep on my shoulder , I wanted her to be this close to me every moment of my life , I wondered how I'd spent my life without her for so long , then , I knew , I had dreamt of her all along , and that dream had carried me until this moment.

When her mother came along ,I literally despised the intrusion between us , very reluctantly , I had to hand my little angel over to her mother. My wife saw the expression on my face and smiled knowingly , as I handed my baby over to her , involuntarily the words escaped my lips .. " how long will it be before she calls me father? "
My wife smiled at me ... she could wait , I could not . I bent down to my sleeping daughter , and shared my secret with her , " you mom might have had you for 9 months , Ive had you with me forever , you are my dream , you are me"


its been six months as per the lunar calender that dad's no longer with me , He would always tell me how he loved to watch me sleeping , even when I was 22 , he would yet stand at the bedside and watch me sleep, I was his world , and he mine.
This post is just another unfading memory I have of him telling me , how much he loved me.

Hades - II

As he walked , I saw him with mounting terror in my eyes... How could he be here? If he was walking , then he was alive .. but no living person ever came here in all this time (days, or was it ages since Id been here?), but then I was alive wasnt I ? No I could not be sure of anything now , not even whether i was alive or not .. The only thing that mattered to me was that HE was there and he was walking towards the river as if in a trance , I could not do anything to stop him ... but I had to stop him. I HAD to stop him , if he was lost , I was lost , everything was lost. He was the only person I loved, i needed him , i was me , because of him, and today he was walking towards the river , he was already knee deep in the blood-water , i tried to scream but my gagged mouth produced no sound , i tried to hobble up on my legs , but they had long gone to sleep sitting in the same crampy position, my tied legs and hands refused to listen to me .. it was hopeless, yet , i could not just see him walking and do nothing about it .

Just then, I felt a hand feeling up my back , terrified as I was , could not bring myself to turn and see who it was who was touching me , the grotesque hand probably felt that it was caressing me , but to me it was the touch that defiled my flesh and made it creep and crawl with fear.soon , my hands were untied , thankful though i was , could not turn back and say so to the hand, i did not want to look at an awful disembodied hand ... just then i saw HIM walking , he was chest deep in the blood -river already , i had to stop him , bring him back , it did not matter if I died, i wanted him out of there and I would do anything to get him back from there, i summoned up all my strength and untied my legs and threw the ag out of my mouth , I ran , every second seeming like ages.I could not run straight , i kept stumbling into the mass of human rot everywhere , the current of the water was just too much , but i could not stop, he was already shoulder deep , i cried out to him , for a second i felt that he heard me , he called out for help even "Arpana , take me away , i'll die else" tears blinded me , i ran, this time not bothering about any obstacles in between , scraping my hands and legs against the devilishly long fingernails of the corpses, but i ran as fast as i could ... little did i know that "as fast as i can" would be the slowest by the time i reached him ...

I reached him , he was already drowing in the water , i pulled him out by his air , i breathed the air through my mouth into his mouth , he only emited a trickle of the blood and gore he had swallowed and the mucus in his lungs , i held him , i called out to him , asked him to wake up, open his eyes and see me .... he never heard me , it was as though i wasnt there for him at all ..
he stuck his toungue out , an effort to breathe, and the minute he opened his lips, his soul escaped his body ... i caught the soul, tried to thrust it back through his mouth , where it belonged, i begged the soul to enter the bosy , i held the body in one hand and the soul in the other, there was nothing i could do , it was as though all the corpses and all the rot was chanting his last words to me "Arpana , help me"
"Arpana Help me" "Arpana help me, help me help me help me help me help me " it was like an incantation, for how long it went i know not , for i sat there lifeless, it was all over, he was dead and i was left to live , how could i live without him? what was life without him? i held his body , i wanted atleast his body to be near me , but the body was nothing without the soul , it did not have the twinkle in his eyes, it did not have the smile on its lips, it did not call out to me , it did not feel anything, and it began to disintegrate , it began to rot and look like one of those horrible carcasses i had been livin with for so long here in Hades ... I cried out , but only a muffled cry came out of my mouth , i sat there , tearless, hopeless and lifeless, tears flowed only later , only when the fact that he was dead pierced the numbness that had engulfed my body ... i wanted to cry, but then , i could not , for did I always not seek his shoulder to cry on? he wasnt there , he wasnt there , he is no more , he is brought dead, arpana help me , i love you, my dad , a orpse, arpana help me , he is no more, he wont be there any more .....
My mom woke me up in the morning, asked me to inform the relatives that my father had passed away.
My dad died in my arms in the night, asking me to help him and i could do nothing to save him ... he was dead and i could only stare at his corpse and watch it rot until someone cremated it.
I sleep everyday and will myself to wake up in the past when i was not fatherless, i wake up in the morning and find myself to be the father of my brother and my mother.

Hades

Bound and Gagged , i found myself lying in a stinking filthy place filled with human remains, i look around , i find nothing much rotting limbs, oozing putrid remains , my cheek is on the floor, i stir myself to a sitting position and find that i was lying in a pool of blood and water , Im not hurt, it must be the blood of these bodies around me ... it stinks and i dont want to breathe in the stale air, try and hold my breath, but its of no use , i have to inhale this rotten fumes, that block my lungs, i choke , cough but its of no use , i just end up inhaling and swallowing more of this putrid air and the waste floating around me in the blood-water river around me.

I think , no i cant , i pull myself up , i try to think , i strain my eyes , and as far as i can see, its just the dead, the putrid dead, the waste and the rotting remains, I realised with a start that I was the only living being in this whole land of the dead , and I wondered why.. for how long i sat there , i know not, how i survived the ordeal of all the horrors of that dead waste land i know not , to see a hand floating next to you , with 2 fingers missing and one half gone , to see it detached from its body ... to see the powerful current of the blood-water river rip apart an already ravaged body revealing its rotting innards to me made me vomit my intestines out. i survive all these , not knowing what the future has in store for me.
One day , i know , Oh i know the horrible truth of it all , i know the end of my life, i see my end as clearly as i wld see someone else's end, for that end isnt mine really, but then the very truth spells out the fact that its my end as well... im dead , though not dead entirely, i could as well die rather than see myself dying, but the evil goddess Fate has written that I the poor bystander , must witness death, my death with my very eyes.
I see him , he is niether gagged nor blindfolded, his hands havent been tied up and he walks freely , but then he is bound by a force of which i know not ..

When someone ceases to exist

Guys,

Will be orkutting less regularly, but then, will be available on Gmail and YM, par kabhi agar main online hoon aur aapke ping ko reply nahin kiya to bura mat man na , it wld be just that ki main shaayad sirf dad se baat karne ke mood main hoon tabhi. Ditto for mails, aap sab ke support ko main "thanks" kah ke insult nahin karna chahti, so if u send me a mail and i dont know what to say or write, chances are i'll reply saying the same ki i dont know what to reply, par agar kabhi reply nahin kiya to pls bura mat man na , i know ki its these emotionally charged times when relations are the most strained, but main tum logon se kisiko bhi khona nahin chahti.bas i need some time, be with me , bear with me until then, its like Ive changed a lot in these few days and Im somehow repelled by the "old me "that is reflected in Orkut/Blog. Somehow I cannot think of writing back a PJ or laugh at a silly oneliner anymore, everything seems so meaningless now, coupled with the fact that I cannot be myself even now, for now i have to don the role of a mother, father and husband of MY family; the other two are emotionally, financially and physically incapable of anything. Im in between bouts of depression, frustration, anger, self pity, regret and responsibility , and hence if Ive hurt anyone in the past 15 days, or if in future hurt anyone of u , it is unknowingly, I do not mean to hurt you guys, u guys are really very very important to me. Im not deleting my orkut account or unjoining the comm, or deleting this blog or other such thing, for though a huge pessimist i might be, i wish to be the way I was once, someday. But until that someday, just let me be.