Rationality was, as if nonexistent. She had thrown everything out of the mental window. her eyes blurred with her unshed tears. as she touched that little red dot next to his name on the messenger, she realised all that she would ever have, was this. a little red dot that taunted her, for now, he belonged to someone else. Apparently, he loved her. He no longer loved her now. She did not exist in his universe. Apparently, now, he was just a red dot in her universe.
"Heave Ho! Thieves and Beggars, Never Shall we Die." " It's not about living forever, Jackie. It's about living with yourself forever"
Tuesday, October 2
un-love
Rationality was, as if nonexistent. She had thrown everything out of the mental window. her eyes blurred with her unshed tears. as she touched that little red dot next to his name on the messenger, she realised all that she would ever have, was this. a little red dot that taunted her, for now, he belonged to someone else. Apparently, he loved her. He no longer loved her now. She did not exist in his universe. Apparently, now, he was just a red dot in her universe.
Monday, February 6
teri ummeed pe
the questions in her bosom, though, did not listen to reason. they were deaf. they listened to none. they only were.
She pondered over the rights and wrongs of her love. The world would call it wrong. She would have called it wrong, if anyone was telling her the story, in which she was now entangled.
the quickening of the pulse at the memory, the tenderness & the affection she felt. All wrong. Immoral. Illicit.
Who would though explain the right and wrong to her heart, in which love had taken seed and grown into a beautiful flowering gulmohar?
It was there. indeed. love was. a glimmer, just a spark. but love was there.
When she did what she did, people did go ahead and call her wrong. They did discuss her over dinner, whispered to each other about how wrong she was at the local supermarket aisles. They went to the temple and spoke about it in hushed tones while the priest prayed the deity.
Men loathed her. Women had nothing to do with her. She was a disgrace to their gender. A few of them, though. secretly felt jealous of her, and their anger stemmed out of that jealousy.
She did what she wanted to though. And what was once something struggling to exist, now bloomed into life. The smile on her lips, now touched her eyes. The joy that was once kicked out of her ribcage, returned to where it belonged.
She walked out in the sunshine, and she no longer shaded her eyes to the sun. She looked at him, glare and all, and smiled.
Love. needs reciprocation. to exist, love and grow. and she had reciprocated that love.
Monday, October 3
not a rant.
9 months are spent not just giving birth. 9 months are also spent taking a renewed and a more muchness filled you.
here's hoping she gets well soon.
Monday, February 21
what does it mean
Or
what does it mean
When I make home made pizzas for him because he hates the pizzas at the pizza joints. He decides to go on a "its a man thing" trip at 11:30 at night and ends up home only at 1:00 am and im up waiting for him to listen to his "man things" that he did.
It means.... we are now married for 2 whole years ;-) :P
Wednesday, December 29
Mandatory decade ending post
The decade has been pretty interesting. Some of them not-so- interesting, and some parts so darn interesting, that I wish they never happened.
So while I can talk about how Y2K began with me passing out of 12th and 2010 is ending with me becoming a mother, and amid these two years, how I broke a heart, got a job, witnessed the death of a grandparent, flunked CA Final, got promoted, discovered blogger & orkut, lost my dad to death,got promoted, did a management course at the IIM, got promoted, got to be a part of one of the biggest corporate mergers of the decade, fell in love, got promoted, made new friends, left some off, got promoted, got heart broken, got married, bought a house, tried making it a home, undertook the biggest loan of my life ever till date, got pregnant n a mom to a beautiful baby girl,
i'll prefer to hope that the next decade is happier than the last decade and yes, just as interesting, but with a few parts where I lose people to death skipped.
Thursday, June 5
'haappyyyy tooooo'
Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy;
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you,
One girl you're ev'rything to.
Fame if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where's the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.
Once you've found her, build your world around her.
Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy,
And you will be happy, too.
Was looking for this song since a couple of days. Finally *sigh* got it. Love this song. So much so much so much :D
and a biggggg Thank you to Taru for directing me to the website that had this song, and to Sakshi for trying her best to get it for me.
(PS - in such a contented mood with this song playing on loop on the comp, that we see no reason to rant over the spate of bad and angry days we have been having. we'll just reserve anger for later, shall we? right now, we'll be happyyy tooooo)
------EDIT-------
Office Humor
The "wtf (look amazed) smile, break into a big grin and then rotfl" moment of the day
An email exchange reads thus -
From xxx@yyy.com
To aaa@yyy.com, bbb@yyy.com, ccc@yyy.com
CC zzz@yyy.com
Justso - the measurement is not as impotent as the methodology that is used to get there.
We need to get the process right and blah blah blah.....
-XXX
A colleague points out how well the second line fits the first - "is not as impotent as..." and then "we need to get the process right...."
LMAO!
---------------------------
The "look at us, we are cool wannabes" moment of the day
Scene - outside a hep mall of the city; we are trying to cross the road, and we have a few pyts standing next to us as though they are posing for a fashion magazine.
C - He did not answer the question asked, just blabbered around for 20 minutes with no comprehension of what he was blabbering
P - Completely true, I agree. He had no idea of the ramifications or the strategic importance of the answers he was giving in a large forum that he was adressing.
The girls - horrified at the language used. they have never heard anything beyond two syllables and this sounds like greek and latin to them.
Me - yeah, he was just trying to beat around the bush.
P - Hey!waaatttt??? major pervert you are heh, beating and bush and all - laugh , snort laugh.
Me - hey waaattt daaa, you are a major pervert, laugh grunt, snort laugh (with "we are so cool heh" expressions)
The girls - *disgusted* and decide not to cross the road, instead walk down elsewhere
We - *duh? they just dont get our coolness daaaa* look
:D
PS - Yes in a very very goodddd mood today :D (touch wood)
PPS - Thanks to Taru for her Post Script :) *hugs*
Wednesday, December 26
today's info
Tried it today.
I wasnt expecting too much, for online, Im Arpz and never Arpana, also because Im not someone who needs to be kept track of by Google. *sarcastic sigh*
Nevertheless, I tried out Arpana in the google bar and one link that came up , apart from Arpana Caur and the organisation Arpana, was someone's show of affection to a certain "Arpana". *smiles*, chalo, I hope she knows about it and is happy for it.
Also got this - http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/arpana
Cheers.
Saturday, December 22
Which indirect cost?
Me : (trying to find out cost pools and cost drivers) uh? hmm? argh!
Friend: Are you even listening?
Me: Yeah, Im trying to see which is the right cost driver
Friend: (taking my notes away) Listen to me, I love him
Me: Him? no, the case is about an apparel indust.... errr.. yeah... him, him! yeah him! love!
Friend: Oho! Do you even know whom Im talking about?
Me: err... (scratches head and thinks of which inidrect cost should go where) Abhishek Bachchan?
Friend: bhaad main jaa tu aur tera abhi-shake (does a li'l jig). arre him .. XYZ, I love him
Me: (Trying to retrieve my notes) Aaahhh, him, he looks like a gorrilla, but doesnt he have a girl friend? She's damn b-o-otiful too :P
Friend: Love Arpana, you dont even know what it means, so what if he has a girlfriend? I still love him ...
Me : Whats the use?
Friend: Not everything is your Balance sheet okay? Not everything is done for "use" okay?
Me: aah, you can dream on, but dawn does break. You can be an NGO, but profit you must make.
Friend: Why the heck do I even talk to you?
Me : Actually, that was so wise! Lemme blog about it yaar .. awesome quote, wait lemme write it down.
Friend: No wonder you are single. (walking away in anger) you will die single
Me: (calling after her) Cleopatra died single .... she sure enjoyed HER life (sticking toungue out)
Later on I pat myself on the back and applaud - wow, what a sentence:
you can dream on, but dawn does break. You can be an NGO, but profit you must make.
On another note:
Rambo arrives in Bangalore on Monday Evening.
Post due on Mona Darling. Do remind me about it. I'll go all senti and teary eyed and all and write about Mona Darling.
And yeah, in case I dont blog in the next few days, run along and have a Merry christmas too :)
Tuesday, December 11
Some musings
What do you do when the only person who would ever understand you, is the person you dont want to talk to, because understanding you, would just hurt the person even more?
Tuesday, August 21
Invasive Music
A song of 'could be's and 'are not's ; a reminscence of everything happy and a reflection of everything sad.
A song of regrets and lonliness, a song that makes the waves of sorrow lurking within the heart rise to a crescendo.
Saagar Kinare By Lata
|
Two different days, One song, two different emotions - in a span of two weeks. Is it possible? I say it is.
Some communities say its bad for a girl to look/be immensely happy just before her wedding - they say its an ill omen.
Sometimes, songs like these just tell you how happiness is coated with sorrow from the within, and how shortlived happiness is before the anger and sorrow shows up.
Ye Galiyan Ye Chaubara - Prem Rog
|
Now its love, now it isnt. Now you've forgotten it, now you havent.Now its yours, now it isnt.
Peace! Where Art Thou?
Meri Kismat Main tu Nahin - Prem Rog
| Meri Kismat Main T... |
| Hosted by eSnips |
| Mere Naseeb Main A... |
| Hosted by eSnips |
Do you believe in life after love - Cher
| Cher --do you beli... |
| Hosted by eSnips |
Finally, a song of longing, want and desperation. A song that makes you believe love never dies, just lingers on, to torment you in the death as well.
Mere Naina Saawan Bhado from Mehbooba - Lata| Mere Naina Saawan ... |
| Hosted by eSnips |
Songs, and the power they exude on one. *sigh*
Monday, August 20
Of NBA Tours,Bankruptcy Claims and Fevicol thick friends
What happens when the blog world meets the real world?
You get to watch a movie exchange popcorn and make random amusing jokes and oneliners.
Nasia, Bullshee and Arpz happened to meet up for a movie. What with Bullshee cozying up between the two ladies, he got to eat both caramel and cheese popcorn, while hooting at the bald and sexy afro-american lady :P in Rush hour three. (I hope Bullshee doesnt kill me for this).
Good movie, great friends, awesome (and expensive) popcorn makes it a jolly good time together.Nasia looks stunning. Yeah she does, Bullshee as his Fan Association at orkut will endorse this statement, looks sexy *tee hee* So, while we plotted revenge against a particular male and made bitchy comments about another female, we forgot to be awkward on a first time meet. Everytime I meet someone from the virtual world, Im usually awkward the first few minutes, but not with these two darlings here - we hit it from the word GO!
What happens when you know someone inside out that they almost become your alter ego? When you need a brain transplant and the doctors do not know where they can find another brain thats as crazy and fucked up as yours?
Ask them to kill him. For he and I are two bodies and one identity.
He's the most handsome man whose ever walked the earth for me - and I'm err... ahem .... the most friendy-friend who'se walked the earth for him (rather made huge craters in an attempt to walk). We uncannily have gone through the same situations together, have had the same questions to ask, the same girl for a friend, the same emotional 'trauma' to deal with ... he's the one man I can talk scandalously and expect a flat voiced "thats saying something lady"
He, ladies and Gentlemen is my friend from school, whose nose at one point of time I had vowed to break- (remember that graffitti on school walls buddy?), he is someone I call my bhaiyya and at the same time flirt outrageously with. -"tu haan to bol, main kabool bol doon"
He is the man whom I'll ask
"kal teri biwi tereko belan uthake maaregi to woh bhi kya tu mereko batayega?"
and he'll answer
"abe! aur nahin to kya? aur kisko bataonga be? tereko hi phone karoonga"
He is the man whom Ive driven to bankruptcy with my Smses that read
call now / can you call now / I need to talk / im damn suicidal, call me/ watcha doin
and he'll call and I'll wallow in his affection until his balance runs out.
his moments of enlightenment that he shares with me, the questions to which he doesnt have answers, but attempts to answer them for me, his voice that says
"ek baar try maar liya, dont try funny stuff again, I need you here lady"
and his To-Do List which Ive handed over to him
"1.walk down to Newyork, stand in front of a certain building and scream out - "aarree agar maa ka doodh piya hain to baahar aa kameeni!" and duel her
2.Take a flight to a certain city in India and stand in a locality and scream - "abe! agar tere bachon ko tune doosh pilaya hain to baahar aa kalmoohi" and make her cry
3.Take yet another flight to another city in India and barge into someone's house, and scream loudly - (anything this time) - the guy will meet his end by hearing a high decible noise."
His habit of pointing out the obvious answers, his way of putting things into perspective.
Allah Talah! Boy! Am I glad I did not break his nose back then at school! :)
What do you do when you realise that you need a man with similar PJQ( Poor joke quotient)? What do you do when you need a practical head on your shoulders? What do you do when you need the no nonsense behaviour of a man and an "I empathise" bitchy gossip of a woman?
You meet this man. This man, according to me, is the most eligible bachelor in the scene yet.
(Everytime I say this statement to my mom, she looks at me with expectant eyes - always wanting to hear this statement immediately after former - "and Im in love with him" )
But seriously, in all seriousness, I say this - he IS the most eligible bachelor in the scene right now. He maybe no Prince Harry or Now married, Now available Brad Pitt, but he aint anyless. The IQ, EQ and the impeccable table manners make a lethal combination, along with his salary (my eyes go - $ $) and his irresistible sense of humor and his affinity to PJs - he's the man. And, he reserves his humility and uses it at places where required with such finesse that humility becomes something through which he shows his flamboyancy
He's also the eternal mood-raiser, the ever-ready to help friend, the Quizzical genius ( only after me though :P)
Okay - why am I sounding like a matrimonial advertisement for him now?
To cut the long story short, here's one shoulder I can always count on, and one brain what will have a PJ and a Quiz question ever- ready for me. Not to mention the open invitation of Vodka and Peach Schannps :)
What do you do when you feel that one mom isnt enough, and you arent getting crushed enough by the embraces of your family?
You decide to make friends with C.
C whose infamous babu was potrayed in the earlier post ... the most motherly friend Ive ever known, always burying the hapless victim in her bosom, stroking the hair - thereby effectively destroying any attempt to have a good hairdo, dropping her salty tears on a brand new salwar-kurta so that the salt stains remain on the dress like a faded dropping of a crow on your shoulder, doing all the crying for the person in question, that the person forgets her own sorrow and spends time nursing C's emotions back to health.
C, my friend C - what would I have done without you if I had not apologised for my boorish behaviour back then some 4 years ago?
And then, what do you do when you want a family other than your own to treat you as one of thier own?
You become best friends with her. Another C, not to be confused with the C above ... is one of the most lovely, lovable, beautiful and the most wonderful human beings Ive ever had the luck to befriend.
To say that I know her inside out, would be the understatement of the year. She was my mischief partner, now is my confidante, she has the hots for the people I like, we used to spend
time bitching about girls at class, now we spend time bitching about imaginary/long lost/ undeserving scoundrel boyfriends, and equally bad peers and bosses at office.
when you have known someone from the 3rd grade - kept in touch through thick and thin of your life, there isnt much that the other doesnt know. Fancy castles, make believe worlds, guys and growing up dreams, reality and heartbreaks everything is shared and held precious by the other.
Friends, I guess are the people who make the wonderland real for you, else Alice would have had to lead a mundane existence in a bleak world.
Tuesday, July 10
Then, there are times when I think, if only she was around and I could hear her voice, but once. Just once.If only he was here, if I could hold him long enough, to let go of everything else.
And then, the void within pulsates again, like a heartbeat sounding to an ethereal body of pain which refuses to die away; like the sounding of death knells on every moment that I live without them.
And then, droplets form in the corner of the eyes, I shut my eyes hard and will them out, they wont, they retreat into the shady depths of the soul , deep and dark, dank and musty depths, where lies hidden a deep nothingness, waiting to become nothingness.
Finally, I smile, eyes crinkle, in pain? in anguish? I know not but I promise him, and I reassure her, soon enough, wait along, soon enough
Tuesday, June 26
Incomplete
Maybe a bit more than what I can handle, but what the heck... if everything had a handle, it wouldn’t be called life – maybe it would be called a bicycle. There are several things which are not too important ( or are too important) to be mentioned here .. so lets just say I climbed a roller coaster at a fun ride kinda place and not dwell on the details.
What makes yesterday so weird in this roller coaster ride is the fact that two of my friends succumbed to love. While one has decided to put up a profile on shaadi.com so that he can contact her, the other spent my night (and his day) talking about “her” and what needs to be done.
Both of them thought that my advice was good enough for them, even if it was a passing remark sort of an advice. To the shaadi.com guy, all I needed to do was give a final push and say “sahi ladki hain bhidu” while to the other, I had to spend a sleepless night upto an insane hour talking to convince him about “doing” something about what he felt (and no, I did not advice any hand-jobs – please place my friends above that :P ). Here I was asking the men to go the for the women they liked irrespective of wheteher it would work out or not, asking them to throw caution to winds and just sail.
Telling the latter that love was important and it wasn’t wrong when it happened to you.
You must listen to me when I try and convince you, I can convince James Bond to take up celibacy. I have extreme powers of persuasion
This came just hours after an argument I had with a colleague telling him why being single rocked.
Sometimes I cannot fathom myself. At a particularly vulnerable moment, I said something really true to my colleague
that the more I see humanity, the less I want it
The more I feel emotions run up my spine, the farther away I want to be from them
– which shocked him out of his wits and the next moment I managed to show him a flying pig and got him convinced all was not lost yet.
People are usually amazed at my ability to remain blank – the ability to not opine on topics, the ability to not emote the way you ought to (now that just simply stupefies me – ‘ought to emote?!?’, the ability to remain silent during times of inner turbulence.
The issue I think is, that it is not ability per se. It is a disorder. I cannot emote. Even if I do, I cannot show my emotion – as words on a keyboard, maybe – not as a facial expression, not as a change in my voice. More often than not, my voice is flat and devoid of anything at all. I need to artificially infuse life into it.
The more I lead life, the less I want it, the more people want to come near me, the farther away I wish to stay.
The issue would be pretty much solved – if I needed to provide a solution in a closed confine. We live in a society, and society as such places expectations, and expects us to conform. An argument would be to say that there have been people who have swum against the tide, but then they had a reason to. On the other hand, I see none. The fact is, I see no reason to either swim along or against the current, and that raises the hair of society.
The issue would be simple and straightforward, if lack of reason, will and ability were enough to lead a simple life. There is another dimension to it.
And the dimension is incompleteness. Somehow, the sense of inadequacy and incompleteness engulfs one, if one feels that there isnt a person who understands, who puts up with the quirkyness and smiles at the oddities. Utopian concept, but true. The search for the other half, be it the spiritual other half, the emotional other half, or the physical other half, begins early in life. Woe on them who cannot find all the three in one, greater woe on them, who cannot find one at all, and the greatest woe on them who find the one and then are stuck in the quagmire of contemplations (pretty much like my friend above). The confusion reigns supreme when all these three are available in three (or more) different other halves. Then begins the question as to which other half scores over which, then there is a question about love.
I have never understood the concept of love in its totality.
Here are the conclusions I draw about love:
1. Love can never be unconditional, even if you want to give unconditional love, the other forces you to make it depend on conditions
2. Love can never give long lasting happiness – it can only give you misery and hurt and more lonliness (more than what you felt when you hadn’t found the one)
3. One day – love will end. And then that day – everything will end, only you will continue to exist
4. To think that love is successful the other should share your intensity ( or even more) of the emotion you show towards him/her. Else the love has failed. It is rejected.
My question asks me – what is hurt when someone rejects your emotion? Your ego? Your soul? Does someone have so much of control on your very soul that they can rankle it and uproot its happiness by a mere shake of a head or a flick of a wrist? Or is it the “Me”, the Ego that gets hurt and seeks retribution? Why should rejection hurt? This rejection is ever so transient – you fall in love as easily the second time as you did the first. ( need proof? – ask Ms Rai oh sorry – Mrs Rai Bachchan) why does it hurt as much every time then? And then I have a pertinent question which I ask everyone, including myself. Why should my emotion be dependent on the other? When I'm angry, it is not a pre-requisite to me that the person on whom I'm angry has to have an equal and opposite sense of anger towards me. I can be angry at any damn thing or person without any qualms about whether it is being reciprocated. Same with disgust, sorrow and several other emotions. What makes love so peculiar that you WANT a reciprocation and when you get none, you are whipped up in a frenzy and cry buckets of water, spend your quality time watching devdas and searching for a street mongrel to hang out with you?
The closest answer I get to this is “ incomplete” . Every other emotion does not care whether you are complete or not, they are in fact what make up your incompleteness. Love makes you complete – it yearns perfection and culmination. A woman calls herself complete only when she is a mother – what makes her say so? Love
The other conclusions though remain. If love is so transient, if love is so fleeting and elusive, how can it make one complete? How can it make one place oneself in another’s hands so completely that he influences every single moment of ones life? It seems we all run behind mirages. We cover our nude emotions with hypocricsy and thus
The more I see of mankind, the less I want to be a part of it
The more I come in contact with emotions, the farther I want to be from it
But there still is the unanswered question of “incompletion”. There still is a search for the other half, and there still exist those tears that arise out of rejection.
Tuesday, June 19
For the Past Two Days
Tossing and Turning
An aching heart
Another morning,
Endless pile of work
An aching heart
Moonless night
No stars in sight
An aching heart
Routine takes over
Work Ahoy
An aching heart
One phone call
A moment of realisation
An aching heart
A cacophony of words
unheard silences
An aching heart
Rude interruption
Harsh Realities
An aching heart
Meaningless existences
Unwanted love
An aching heart
Unheard affection
Unspoken fears
An aching heart
The final sentence
The careless scatter of unspilled tears
A Broken Heart.
To begin,
Another moonless night
Another routine day
And a Broken Heart.
[Edit - http://focusingtheunfocused.blogspot.com/2007/06/moment-of-contemplation-and-then-you.html]
[Edit 2 - Overheard in a rare moment (with negligible edits) -
Talent, Ive learnt the hard way - is no measure of happiness
If someone could give me enough happiness to even last for a day, I wld give up everything, my success, talent and intelligence.
If someone could give me true love even for a second, I wld even kill for him - that’s the way it stands.
Because, im at a point where money or position, talent or knowledge doesn’t matter anymore I already have them and even if I lose any of it - I can rebuild it
The ONE thing I do need right now is happiness that’s the rarest commodity available ever and even if it is for a minute when Im with him, Im happy - truly and totally happy
When he asks "Okay?"; I can never say No because at THAT moment, when he's asking me the question - Im nothing but Okay.
There are no worries then at that moment it’s only afterwards that the real world hits me.
No wonder they say sometimes Strangers are dearer than the dearest.
Friday, June 15
So much
So much.
Those songs sung off key while you shaved,
Your constant need to keep drinking tea or coffee,
That pelvic thrust filled dances you did to make us laugh,
That Egyptian pose you struck and called it "Z",
The trust you placed on me,
That love you had for me,
The concern in your voice,
The phone call you gave me unfailingly at 2 to ask if I'd eaten,
Those silly jokes you cracked,
That leg pulling over my future husband that you so enjoyed,
Our bitching session on our managers and professors,
That joy on your face when I achieved something - albeit minuscule,
The gossip we shared about our relatives,
That bisi-bele-bath, palao and all those tasty somethings you cooked
Those not-so-tasty ventures for which I was the guinea pig,
Our fights over who's right,
Your annoyance when I emptied the petrol you'd filled on one of my "trips" on the two wheeler,
Your chidings to take care and go slow,
Your voice saying -"top villain" or "Ananth",
Your scrawlings of phone numbers on every newspaper,
That “aren’t you asleep yet" holler when I spent late nights on the computer
That "change the channel" when a condom ad played on TV
Your smell that overpowered me when you hugged me,
Those “I want to watch Kannada” tantrums,
Your surprise gifts and let’s get junk food moods
Our impromptu antaksharis
The sorrow when I got hurt - that statement that you had ready " you fall down and scrape your knee and it hurts me" everytime
The "Im there for you",
The " You are the best - you will do it"
The " you are MY daughter - I love you"
The faith you had in me
Your presence at home
I miss you -
So much.
Happy Father's Day dad.