Identity

**Rant Alert**

I dont know if saying things aloud makes me any lesser of anything I am, or if Im committing heresy by venting it out. For, isnt life for women supposed to begin with marriage and kids?
However, I havent been known for my love of the righteous or an affinity to do the right always; I have always been the black sheep everywhere ... and keeping up with that tradition, I vent out here, the one place where I can be bad and yet get ignored (I know, no readers :P)

Life is getting increasingly frustrating these days, and it is getting really difficult keeping it all canned in....

- Im this restless person who hates having time on her hands and nothing to do with it. I was working close to 12 hours a day even when my due date for delivery was just 2 weeks; so sitting at home twiddling thumbs for close to 3 months now is getting really on my nerves.

- I have no clue what to do post my maternity leave with the daughter. I would hate to leave her in a creche or a day care centre having heard all the gory stories about these places. At the same time, I cannot quit my job (too many commitments currently to do so) to take care of her. My mom despite staying in the same city, stays too far away for me to drop the kid and pick her up everyday & the kid is too small for me to wean her off breast milk and leave her at mom's.
Despite all the praises that I usually shower on my employers, I hate to say that those morons havent thought of a day care centre for their employees - that would keep their attrition rates low!

- I am so damn sleep deprived that Im craving for a good night's sleep. At times I have this really huge urge to just pack my lappie, my blackberry and my debit and credit cards and run. Just RUN. Away from all this madness of staying at home, waking up once every 90-120 mins to feed the daughter, stay awake all night with her, because her body doesnt have a decent clock yet, change diapers and listen to her howl all night long. I feel like my life is sand slipping away from my fingers and that there is nothing I can do about it. Am I a bad mom for thinking like this? Dammit, the guilt that this question brings with it, is far more burdensome than the sleep deprivation. I hate my husband and my family for encouraging me for having a child, and then I hate myself for thinking like this and this becomes like an endless vicious circle and I keep wallowing in so much self pity and anger and guilt and I totally understand now, why women have a post partum depression.... I feel like Im going insane at times - like standing at the middle of a cross road and just yelling my lungs out.

- After a month of marriage, I hadnt yet moved all my things to the hubby's place, and looking at the amount of changes my life underwent, and the lack of time to be me, I had made a conscious decision to not take my books along with me. People who know me, mostly know me as someone who cannot stay for long without books and so, this was like a big decision for me, and it saddend me to no extent.... I had somehow managed to convince myself on that one - and as the days went by, I saw myself have no time whatsoever to even go to the loo; though the longing to get back to books was always there, lack of time made it easy for me to convince myself. Now, that Im back at mom's place, looking at all those crates of books increases my post partum depression. I feel so lost without my books and feel like Ive lost a part of my identity by letting go of my reading habit.

- There is someone whom I hate with all my heart. This is that kind of hate that makes your dentist and your cardiologist happy, cos you are gnashing your teeth and making your arteries bulge with anger even at a mere mention of the name. This person, whom I really hope shrivels up and dies in his/her own vomit looks like he/she is going to be a permanent fixture in my life, someone I'll have to see day in and out, every waking minute of my life .... and Im getting suicidal by thought of this event happening in the near future.
I plan to cook something really delicious, spray a generous amount of rodent killer and serve it, either to this person I hate, if Im evil enough, or to myself if I chicken out from serving this person!!! Argh! I think my BP just shot up to a 300 just writing these lines! damn

- I feel like Im losing my identity, people would call it evolution and etc, but I just feel like Im losing it & I need out. I hadnt bargained for all this in my life. Im not happy with it. Can I get a refund for my life please?

I have this memoryof this movie(?) serial(?) that I once watched as a kid. It is one of those dialogues that kinda has stayed, though at that point in time, I had no comprehension of what was being said ... (wierd huh?)
There are these two sets of couples at a coffee shop (I think); and one of the men go -
"we used to have so much fun earlier" to which the other guy remarks "shaadi ke baad sab kuch khatam. koi life hi nahin" (Everything is over post marriage, there's no life now)
to which one of the women retorts
"Why is it that we women are taught that only after marriage, does life begin, we look at that event as life changing & life giving.... we give everything to it, and give up everything for it, including our identities, just to hear you guys say your life has ended post marriage".

I now empathise with both those genders, for I feel both right now.

**end of rant**

Tagging myself from the niece's blog
This is the second book tag Im doing, but this should be good & hopefully motivating, because its been a while since I've been able to actually sit down with a book and enjoy reading it. It is fast turning into one of those "aunty thingies" - the ones where they would go "I was so & so in my youth, now its only family and children ... *long drawn sigh*"
Also, cos Im looking at all those books in the attic... while reading her post, and Im reminded of a promise I'd made to myself ... to build a bookshelf of an entire wall when I bought my house. Well, that hasnt worked out either.

Neways, here goes ...

1. Favorite childhood book? I must say "Sindbad the Sailor" - It was this book I won as a prize and I really loved that book. Thats my earliest memory of a book.
2. What are you reading right now? Google. (When I can smuggle it under my pillow - under strict orders - no TV/ Books or Computer for 3 months post partum)
   
3. Bad book habit? Having to finish a book once I begin it, no matter what. Even if it means taking it to the loo with me to read, or smuggling it in a conference at office.
   
4. Do you have an e-reader? Yep, so If I cant really smuggle the book in at office, you know now, what I'm doing staring intently at my lappie
5. Do you prefer to read one book at a time or several at once?That depends on the books and my greediness factor at that point of time. But of late, it is so difficult to even read one at a time!
6. Have your reading habits changed since starting a blog? No.
7. Least favorite book you read this year (so far)?The Bougainvillea House (not this year though - this tops in the "so far" list!)
8. Favorite book you’ve read this year? 'The Brutual Art'
9. How often do you read out of your comfort zone? Never really, its very rare when I try stuff like that
10. What is your reading comfort zone?Fiction mostly, Political non fiction, Horror books actually!
11. Can you read on the bus? That is a straight No, unfortunately, my migraine acts up.
12. Favorite place to read? On that couch, leaning on my teddy, in that "so-bad-for-the whole-body-but-damn-comfy" position
13. What is your policy on book lending?Never lend anything.
14. Do you ever dog-ear books?Nope. and I loathe people who do so, from the very bottom of my heart.
15. Do you ever write in the margins of your books? Never.
16. Not even with text books? Nope, until I got access to post its, I wld write on a piece of paper, and clip it on to the book.
17. What is your favorite language to read in?English it is, Mate!
18. What makes you love a book?Well, the story, the language, and the intensity the writer has, when he delivers his thoughts into a book.
19. What will inspire you to recommend a book?Well, Im always inspired, I just dont have the right mix of the above!
20. Favorite genre? Fiction - mostly gory horror! does that mean im a sadist or some such thing?
21. Genre you rarely read (but wish you did?) – Autobiographies/ biographies
22. Favorite biography?Vivekananda by Romain Rolland
23. Have you ever read a self-help book?I think I read Who moved my cheese... does Paulo Coelho's The Fifth Mountain count?
24. Most inspirational book you’ve read this year (fiction or non-fiction)? Google is pretty good as of now, like some stuff there actually!
25. Favorite reading snack?Favorite? What do you mean by that? Any Junk is good, as long as it isnt sweet or oily or drippy ....
26. Name a case in which hype ruined your reading experience – God of Small things
27. How often do you agree with critics about a book?I dont really read the critics... so I wldnt know, I like a book, I like it - to hell with what the rest of the world thinks.
28. How do you feel about giving bad/negative reviews? I dont mind. like I said, I like a book, I like it, I dont like it - I'm gonna say so!
29. If you could read in a foreign language, which language would you chose?French, Ive taken a couple of basic courses, but though I would love to read in that language, my grasp is too rudimentary to make any sense.
30. Most intimidating book you’ve ever read? Central Excise Duty Act.
31. Most intimidating book you’re too nervous to begin?Lord of the Rings. Havent seen the movies, havent seen the books, dont want to read them; there's also another book thats buried in one of my book crates, something about the Hitler's regime ....
32. Favorite Poet?Gulzar, Rabindranath Tagore
33. Favorite fictional character?Howard Roark ...enough said.
34. Favorite fictional villain?Rastapopulous (I hope ive spelt that right)
35. Books I’m most likely to bring on vacation? Racy thrillers ....
36. The longest I’ve gone without reading – Almost an year ... and this is after marriage!
37. Name a book that you could/would not finish- An Equal Music
38. What distracts you easily when you’re reading? Nothing actually! Im one of those people who will stay up late or, try and hold back body refuses to finish the book!
39. Favorite film adaptation of a novel? Gone with the Wind
40. Most disappointing film adaptation? Arent almost all of them? I hate it when books are made into movies ....
41. The most money I’ve ever spent in the bookstore at one time? I always end up spending a minimum of 3000 and above in a book store!
42. How often do you skim a book before reading it? Almost always!
43. What would cause you to stop reading a book half-way through? Excessive romance.
44. Do you like to keep your books organized? Yep, just that Im not getting around to doing it!
45. Do you prefer to keep books or give them away once you’ve read them? I never ever give away books - the only exception being my class notes and text books.
46. Are there any books you’ve been avoiding? None really! - actually if you come to think of it - I am avoiding The White Tiger!
47. Name a book that made you angry- The Scavenger's Son.
48. A book you didn’t expect to like but did? Shantaram.
49. A book that you expected to like but didn’t? The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich
50. Favorite guilt-free, pleasure reading? hmm ... cant think of 'one' such genre actually.

So, there you go! Whew!

Tag urselves!

Tagging Time

as is my tendency .... hit the publish button when I shouldnt have

My apologies. Somethings arent meant for a public forum.

So, now she is back to regular insanity.

Now, for the long pending tag. (the one that Taru did not tag us with; and Amlan Nanda honored us with :P)

A book that made you laugh:

The Central Excise Duty Text Book.
No seriously, it did make me laugh out loud. God help me if I could make sense of one sentence in that book. It did make me laugh.

A book that made you cry:

Arundhati Roy's God of Small things. Now, I know several really good reviews have been written about Ms Roy; but at the cost of causing displeasure to my Mallu readers (assuming I have an audience that is :P) I must say she was the most morbid writers Ivee read of all times (oh make an exception there for this book. If ever there was a Koshchen that would be asked if a book made me throw up; it would be Kalpana Swaminathan's Bougainvillea House). Meandering back to Miss Roy, the book made me cry tears of blood for having wasted my precious money on buying the accursed book

A book that scared you:

Has to be Ghosts Of Sleath especially when it is read at 12 mid night, especially when bro is away at an NCC camp and mom's at her mom's place. Especially when you are scared of cockroaches, and a sneaky cockroach sneaks up your big toe. The book can be scary - yes.

A book that disgusted you:

After deep thought and scary music and the nail biting tension that you would have felt if you were sitting in the hotseat with Amithabh Bachchan while he said "sure, pakka, lock kar diya jaaye" when you had answered Option D- Lallu Prasad Yadav to the question which is greater of the two - The GDP of Uganda or the personal wealth of Lallu Prasad Yadav or the measurement in centimeters of Ms JayaLalithaa's waist.
I think the title of the most disgusting book ever has to be taken by yes! yes! none other than ...... *drum rolls* ...... anticipation .......*more drum rolls* ..... a long break which advertises V-day balloons (starring AB Sr) and how to dump a dummy 101 book (again starring AB Sr) ..... back to the show, a quick recap ... and just as you are about to hit the X button on the top right hand corner of this window ... we give the WINNER , ladies and Gentlemen - the winner of the most disgusting book award has beaten the Excise Duty text book, the Bougainvillea house, 48, the tenth standard Physics guide, Ramprasad Bihari's a guide to fodder scam ... and stands proudly today - the book is ... you could have never guessed it ... it is, SERVICES MARKETING.

Whew! that was one tense moment. Dont you think so? Finally, the dark horse wins. NDTV, Aaj Tak and the 45678953 other "the best" news channels, run to cover this mega event - with news flashes and re-runs and expert opinions.

moving on,

A book you loved in elementary school: Kabuliwallah. Loved it. totally. It also introduced me to the राग आनंद भैरवी a raag I love till date.

A book you loved in middle school or junior high school: Archies, Asterix and Obelix, and Hardy Boys (neva likes Nancy Drew - umm-mm neva). But what really takes the cake is the Three Investigators. Completely adored Jupiter Jones guy; always wanted to be like him. Ive achieved one part atleast - the golu- molu part :P

A book you loved in high school: Wuthering Hieghts. Loved it. Absolutely. yeah go on, roll your eyes, call me a romantic. But I loved it. Completely. Oh and I loved the Great Train Robbery too. Awesomest book I say!

A book you loved in college: The moonstone. (the what you may ask; but do many know that after Edgar Allen Poe, it was Wilkie Collins who made the genre of detective / investigative stories the fad? It is alleged that Wilkie Collins wrote the Moon stone and the Lady in the white while under the influence of opium? Little wonder then, that opium plays a major role in the Moonstone.

A book that challenged your identity: Many if I may say. Tuesdays with Morrie, The Gita, The Fifth mountain, the Scavenger's Son, Vivekananda's biography, Good to Great, Built to Last. and the list goes on.

A series that you love: The Three Investigators. Wins Hands down. Along with Tintin, Archies, Asterix and Obelix :D (yup, Im a comic junkie)

Your favorite science fiction book: The Throne of Saturn by Allen Drowry. One book (whose name Ive convienently forgotten) which talks about cloning and the bizzare side effects of it. (an age whenh babies are made to order)

Your favorite fantasy: Hmm Fantasy? err... as in what? okay - favorite Fantasy is to be able to make sense of the Customs Act.

Your favorite mystery: Moonstone. Again. It is far fetched, it is impossible and it is foolish, but I like it.

Your favorite biography: The Great Indian Novel. No one tells the story of India like this book does. I was in peals of laughter when Shashi Tharoor talks of Indira Duryodhani :P

Your favorite "coming of age" book: Tuesdays with Morrie

Your favorite classic: aaarrrggghhh! cant believe I forgot the name ... its that book which got made into a movie also that one - Pip and Gwneth Paltrow and ... argh! wait, lemme google for it.

Aaah , it is Great Expectations :D

Your favorite romance book: The Indian Income Tax Act. No seriously. I love the way how the sections and the chapters romance each other.
Otherwise, to mere mortals who do not understand the allure that Tax holds, it has to be The August Moon ; its a collection of poems written by Gulzar.
If you still cant get it, then get your brain cells around this book - Geetanjali by Tagore.

And So I pass on the torch of the Tag to

Sakshi (she'll come up with books on cellular biology or whatever animals she kills in that lab of hers; but will make nice reading :D )
Raj ( I miss the days when we used to go to Crossword together pal .... for ole' times sakes)
Tapan (though Im sure this man is well read, the main reason why his name comes up here, is because Raj has been tagged. I'll have to listen to a thousand "Im happy for you"s while I whine about pure and rare friendship)
Nasia (Nasia rebel against your manager - write a blog post)
Adarsh (I feel that his tastes in books will be zara hatke... would love to know how hatke)
Anurag (wanna see wat an IIMA student reads :D ... and maybe learn something from that list too)

And, anyone else who would like to do this tag is free to do so.

So there.
And yeah. No morose posts. No none at all.

A typically proper insane post on its way. Pliss to wait for it.