Edited - This post has not been put in here as a joke, or as a way to obtain sympathy, mails, comments, or watever else ... pls do respect the privacy and do not try and meddle with things that are best left alone.
I do not want to remove this post as I see this as an act of emtional retching up, and I cannot take back vomit even if it is a metaphor)
I had never wished anyone harm (well except a few people that is) and the harm I had wished these people was I dont think too much in nature (well, give me that leeway at least)
I really do not understand then, why must I be given a punishment for life of having loved and hating the fact that I was in love once?
Why, when I see a couple hand in hand, want to lash out and scream and rant and rave? Why, when an emotional lyric sung beautifully reaches my ears, do I feel the need to shut it out, to remove it and throw it from my system? Why, when I see love, see hate?
If love is the purest of emotions, why then has it now transformed into the vilest evil to me?
I was someone who was content being single, who was content being unaware of the needs and wants that puberty creates, I was in fact content being who I was, I was the leader of nerds who some how managed to appear cool with my self styled , self directed comedy, exceedingly high marks that brought me into good books of every teacher and lecturer ....at the same time, my antics and my talkativeness that drove them crazy and endeared me to every bindaas student in the last benches.
I was happy being me, and me was defined as a plump, easy going, self hating , quiz loving, exercise hating, leg pulling ,book adoring nerd ... and I loved me .
Then one day love happened, at least, I thought it happened. We met..., discussed stuff like "this XYZ lec sucks big time man”, "Hey! Is she your friend, she is cool man”, "you look different without your moustache" and then ... one day the big bang happened, and then I was never me. Never, Ive spent an abysmally low entire year searching for myself in the ruins of a relation that has given more pain than happiness. Of the initial reactions of grief, disbelief, anger, sorrow, self pity, void, vacuum and loneliness and several other emotions none of which are enviable, none of these has diminished, even by an iota, if at all the disbelief has been replaced by a more deep rooted certainty of this loneliness, its like an ulcer that pulsates and grows with every passage of time, who the bloody hell said Time is the Greatest Healer? Time in my case has made me ache all the more, made the loneliness grow into self loathing... none of those once happy now heart rending memories have ever faded or jaded, they are beneath the surface, invisible but lurking there, wanting to come out and blow my very existence out ... much like the iceberg Titanic could not see ... and life is one hell of a Titanic. Damn! Q$@@#%$#%$ Damn!
Yet I continue to be the ever joking, fun loving, leg pulling, book adoring nerd, but then, I just continue to be. For I can be nothing else, now, for my humor is much darker, stronger and violent emotions struggling to reach out and explode within me. I just continue to be, while I search for that elusive happiness and peace of mind.
I thought a talk with someone might help. And i chose the safest person to talk.... "Mom, Im sad, Ive had a broken relation and a very broken heart" She looked at me as though there was no difference between me and the potatoes she was peeling and got back to her work.
The blank look asked me to forget and move ahead, well, that’s what i interpreted it as... but how does one forget one's own life? Her look made me shut my memories up and lock them where it hurts the most.
When I can remember the song I sang in LKG for which I got an award, when I can remember the dance recital that got me applause, When I can remember the questions from my first quiz, when I remember the worst tense filled moments of my CA foundation results ... When Arpana has a good retention power which she uses against every and anyone, how then can she forget an episode which has made her lose herself? How can she forget her own shadow?
I do not type all this so that I get a couple of phone calls/mails/comments commiserating or empathizing, I am doing it because I cannot do anything else but this, talking about it has been nothing but raking up my wounds with a fire poker, I chose to shut it out from the world, but then how can I shut it out from myself, when my whole being is centered there? I cannot concentrate, I cannot read, I cannot listen to music, I cannot ... I cannot do ANYTHING! Damn! I can't even swear properly! A paralysis of the heart, the helplessness of the heart is killing me, drowning me like a body (a huge one there) tied to a stone.
Im reminded of " let him swim with the fishes in the bottom of the ocean" when I think of my position, that would be far enviable to what Im going through now!
All this ranting and raving because I saw a couple walk down the road hand in hand... very much in love, the boy trying to hide the rose (safley tucked in his back pocket) from the girl ... Damn! 6 AM and I see this, I could not drive ... I had to park and wait for half an hour until all the flooding memories ebbed and allowed me to look straight and see the road rather than those incidents of "us"....Damn ! Bloody Damn!
My lecturer who is my friend, guide, mentor, philosopher and father figure, and who can smell tension from miles away told me to get over it... that I was young and this was an age to study and build careers and not fool around, he also told me about his fooling around... as though I had tried a cigarrette and needed to let go of its attarction ...I try to tell him, I was busy studying and building a future, I still am.. I slog for almost 20 hours a day, but then love creeps in, it always does.... I hate love. He laughs understandingly and says... I know dear. I love you my child. Hate it for now.
I hate love.