Again

Yet another night when i cant sleep ... a few more nights like these and I will officially qualify to be a changdar or some other equally horrid nocturnal animal ...

I kind of feel sleepy until i actually put my head on the pillow , and then when the night envolpes my family , takes them to the wonderful utopia of dreamland , it leaves me alone to fend myself against a hornet's nest full of thoughts

It is when i lay alone in my bed and listen to the rythmic drone of the fan , and an occasional mosquitoe , i have emotions and thoughts in my head like those bits of fruits in the mixer before they are about to become juice , only here , it isnt something as sweet as juice.

I think of love ... i wonder if I still love him , i look myself in the eye in the mirror and check if its guilt or love that i can see there. I think of my studies and shiver , I still have 2 groups of Final to go. Ive been promising myself to write it in May , I cldnt write it last May , somehow , i cant seem to find time for studies ... cos again CA reminds me of him.

I think of career , and then after one goof up im not sure where i stand. I think of dad and then think of what he wanted for me , and how im not quite living up to it.

I look at the alarm thats set to go off in a couple of hours now , and i know by the time the alarm goes off , I'll be fast asleep , and my mom's gonna bring the roof down with her scoldings.

I think of marriage .. my mom's already begun about how long i intend to stay in "HER" house .. and I cant think of sharing my bed with a stranger, i try and think of the guy my mom's been talking about , but somehow , he ends up being there , instead of my mom's candidate in the "marraige election"

I think of all the legal work of my dad piled up and i'm jolted out of watever little drowsyness I've had until now .. thats a nightmare i dont have to go to sleep to experience.

I think of calling someone , but in the middle of the night , im sureto get 4 letter expletives from whomever I call , and again , if I call , people will ask me " is everything all right?"
I can not say no , i cannot say yes. I cannot cry , i cannot smile.

I think of the cold when my mom's gonna throw me out in my pyjamas to jog .. ( u need a 36-24-36 to get married , well, atleast according to my mom & her like... what you are shouldnt matter , how you look to others should matter ..)

By now I already have a royal headache , and I thirst for a glass of water , but i do not feel like venturing out of my room ... the 4 walls of my room give me a sense of security that the rest of the home doesnt. The 4 walls are where i see my dad smiling and standing in front of the mirror , playing with me. Every where else I see his corpse.
Whoever wrote mere naina saawan bhado , was right.

I think of everyone in my life , my family , my friends , my lecturers , my credit cards and I try to find myself among them ... OMg my credit card , and thats when i switch on my computer, I forgot to make the payment. I immediately pay online & i get several people who ping me and say Hi , Im not in a mood to reply back , i switch back to the invisible mode.

Finally , I see the Krshna wall paper .. & then stare at the Krshna on the wall of my room ... as though accusing him of everything , but never praying to set everything right .. I do not like asing favors , as it is he's screwed up my life enough , any more and I'll be used to open champagne bottles ( ok those who didnt get this PJ , wipe your tears , my life isnt as morose as Ive painted it here)
Rather , I think i stare at that because it was he who gave it to me, as a source of strength , because we both loved Krshna ... I dont know about him now , bu i hate Krshna now , and I have all the reason in the world to. I hate myself for 10,000 things , and I hate the paramtma in me.

After all this mindless venting of frustration , I hope I'll sleep ... the alarm shows I need to wake up in another 1.5 hours .. else I'l die of pnemonia in my pyjamas when she thorws a bucket of cold water on me and throws me out to go for a jog.