hum pahle ki kah dewat hain , ye jo kahaani hain , woh most of it manganat hain , hamar jeevan ke saath ee ka koi bada sambandh naahin hain , haan par hum ye kahaani do logan ko dedicate karnaa chahte hain , woh do logan ko hum bhi naahin jaanat hain , bas kabhi kabhaar unka blog hum padath hain bas.
I was travelling back from Hyderabad to my hometown. The excitement I had when I'd boarded the train to go to Hyderabad was missing when when I boarded the train to leave the city.
Two reasons , I'd come to visit my guy who was there , now I had to go , instead of spending the one day I'd got to be with him with total love & happiness,I'd fought with him & now I'd told him that the relation no longer worked. I had spelled the ultimate doom of our relationship. I was grumpy , bitter and annoyed,with him and with myself. He was paitent with me. He knew I that I have a nature of a fire cracker, He calmly took my bag , placed it on my berth and asked me if I wanted him to travel with me. I angrily shook my head. He asked me if I wanted something to eat or drink, I maintained a stony silence. He tried to converse, but i was adamant at showing him my current state of mind. I would reply in nothing but mono syllables. He sighed , stood up as the train was about to move. I did not budge. I was already standing . He tried to hug me I refrained. He shook his head in resignation. I can be as stubborn as a mule and he knew that. He lovingly placed a hand on my head , carressed my red-with-anger cheek and with a hint of tears in his eyes ( he was too man to cry) got down and waved. I refused to wave back. He stood there waving until I was out of sight. All I did was to stare angrily at him until he dissappeared out of sight.
After a few minutes of musing at the door, I came back to my seat , angry yet. But this time at myself ; I had refused him until he was in front of me , and now i wanted a hug from him , "Women" i muttered as I sat down.
"you said something?" the voice startled me.
"Oh ok ,sorry, didnt mean to disturb you.
I thought I heard the word women, and , that coming from a woman , sounds strange"
I instantly disliked this man. I prided myself on being a tomboy. I had nothing to do with the conventional women , until that is , the deadly woman side of me reared its ugly head up in situations like this. Leave it to a woman to act angry and she'll do it with perfection.
But what the heck did this guy have to do with it?
I didnt care to reply. The journey was long , the night yet young. I spent a good half hour looking at stars and the nearby villages , and then got bored of looking out at things that passed by in an instant. I searched my bag for my novel. My guy had forgotten to put the book in my bag. Trust him to goof up. Reached for my mobile, called him and gave him a piece of my mind , all the while secretly wanting to tell him that I loved him , but hesitating as I had this intruder in my private space here.
"Lovers' tiff?" he asked again .
I began to hate that timid voice of his.
I literally unleashed my dictionary of 4 letter expletives at the man & shut him up. He seemed bewildered and on the verge of tears.
This was the second man I'd pushed to tears this evening.
somehow , his sorrow seemed deeper , more deeprouted and stemming from his soul.
AS I noticed ( for the sheer reason that I did not have anything productive to do with my time) I saw that he was dressed in a modest manner, carried no luggage , read the Bhagvad Gita while the rest of them his age read playboy. His eyes seemed sad, very sad infact. His manner was timid , his manners , courteous. He was not unhandsome , but was charming in a mild way.
He caught me staring at him & smiled , his smile I noticed wasnt the " oo babes , so u are staring at me smile" it was the " i apologise for being such a specimen that you have to stare at me" smile. I found myself smiling back at me.
He gave me the Gita to read, I told him I'd read it.
He seemed to accept the fact that a girl who has an entire dictionary that would put any punk to shame could have read the Gita. My family was yet in a state of shock at the apparent contradiction.
I found myself liking this guy in the couple of hours that we spoke.
Soon it was time to sleep,and dreaming of my guy, I fell asleep. Until I felt the urge to take a leak that is. I walked up , sleepy eyed to the smelly bathroom in the train , did my job looking at the tracks below through the hole there & walked sleepily back , the trains motion making me look as though I was a drunk walking.
That was when something jolted me , I stopped right there to see my companion hanging out of the train, trying to commit suicide. I caught hold him and dragged him back, i fell down and he fell on me. I dragged him to the berth , slapped him royally until my hands hurt.
Tears streamed down his eyes , his cheeks were swollen with my slaps , red , in contrast to his fair skin, when he held my tight and sobbed. My body rocked with his sobs , he cried so much that he probably wet my kurti crying. It was a strange sight ( when i think in hindsight) a boy and a girl , travelling alone , strangers , holding each other in the middle of the night , the guy crying , the girl crying as well ( well, i still have some of the "woman" left in me), to an outsider , it might have looked obscene, to us , it was grief. What grief? I knew not , what had complled him to take the step I knew not, all I knew was I was his Gaurdian Angel at that point of time, rescuing him from hell , maybe , I was his Devil incarnate then , throwing him from his heaven , to the hell called life.
For how long , I dont know , my watch had broken in the scuffle.Atlast , I felt him fall asleep , i dared not move , lest he wake up and try something funny again , I held him all night long , i guess, I cannot say, I fell asleep too. I woke up in the morning , to find myself alone. Frantic , I searched for him, tears rolled down my eyes thinking he had died , commited suicide. I was frantic , as though I'd lost a loved one , I searched all through the train , knocked at bathrooms , peeked into the pantry , and then , searched the steps for signs of blood or his clothing. Lost I came back , and found a letter under my bag.
You have helped me face my grief.
You shall to me , be my mother for the rest of my life.
For you have given me , what I thought was the unreachable;
You have given my unconditional love , you have given me GOD.
No name ,no address , no explanation of his so called grief , nothing. It could all have been a dream , except for this letter.
I read and re-read it a millin times, a moment , a night , untold sorrows and unspoken fears , un selfish act , all that was there was this. And he had used two words for all of it . mother & love.
Suddenly everything was clear, suddenly , i accepted myself ,
I dont know what fears & grief he faced , but i knew his two words had given me the strength to face my world and my griefs. To face my decisions and my life.
Soon it was time to alight, and soon my mobile showed a full network.My guy called up , anxious to know if I still called the relation "over". I smiled , for someone's tears had taught me to smile.
I spoke to my guy, told him, lets take one step at a time , and now , take the step of catching the next train here , I want to give you a big hug and a wet kiss. :-)