Saturday, September 30

Another Post

After getting that review from Rajesh , Im almost scared to post again!
But as is my nocturnal habit , i continue posting when i cant sleep.

Today , though I cant sleep for a totally different reason today. Ive slept right through the day .. for atleast 5 hours .. aaahhh bliss!
and I spent the rest of the day in a state of half wakefulness on the bed , drowsy state of happiness

And Yip yip yipppeeee hip hip hurray, I have a holiday on Monday , that makes it 3 days of a long sleepy weekend :-)

Also , today I got convinced by my gran ( she is the one person to whom I can never say a No)to meet a guy for "marriage plans"

I obviously was zapped , but my gran being the one person who can put the reins on me , convinced me to do this.

Skipping the details but going to the moot question , how does one decide in 60 minutes that you want to spend the next 60 years of one's life with someone?
Crazy I tell you .. absolute craziness, I mean I dont even make friends in 60 minutes flat !!
I mean Im not what I look , and isnt that the case with almost everyone? Just because I smile in those 60 minutes doesnt mean I dont have periods of depression or bouts of anger and all that!

I might have worn designer clothes , but then I love walking around in a banian at home .. I have my quirkyness and I have my oddities

Im sure he has his , but how would you know of all that he or I have gathered and woven into our personas in a matter of 60 minutes? How would you know which are the right questions to be asked? Which answers are right? Which reaction is and which expressions are right?
How would you know if your friends can be his as well ? If you can entertain his friends after marriage? How would I know if his music is music to me? If my interests are of interest to him? If my ambition is shared by him ? If I dream of his goals as well?

I dont know myself yet , how can I expect him to know me? I dont know whom to expect , I dont know what to like ... I smile , my perfectlly made up face shows no signs of the turmoil within.
So many questions , so little time , so much to speak and so many hesistancies ... so much anxiousness and so many anxieties !

And to top it all , the embarassment of having been put into a situation that is so embarassing . The shame of having to parade like a doll for sale , the anger of allowing a single 60 minutes to decide the next 60 years of my life.

Is it enough if the guy is an orthodox Kannada Brahmin ? Is it enough that his family knows someone in my family? Is it enough for them to see that Im wearing adequate jewellery and a designer dress ; that I can afford it? Is it enough for me to know that he earns a humongous salary at the end of each month?

Would I not want to know if he can love my brother the way I love him? Would he not want to know if I can care for his mother the same way he cares for her?
Would I not be anxious to know if I will continue to have my independence the way I do now? Would he not want to know if I would agree to his wishes?
Would I have to erase the numbers of all the male friends I have now in my phone? Would i be jealous of all the female friends he has and likes to be with?

With everyone asking me to tell them my "decision" , I can only say , I know how he looks , I dont know who he is. I am not a hypocrite , I do not marry appearanes , I fall in love with real people.
Then , being the person I am , I shrug it off & ask my family to find out if he likes me ( the way i looked in those 60 minutes that is) or not. If he does , well, it has to be someone , why not him? There are times when life demands compromise, when life demands hypocrisy , may be this is one of them, may be I need to learn to adjust with life's little road blocks, maybe I will someday forget to question so much , maybe someday I will forget that love doesnt happen on demand, may be also that I had once loved someone, also maybe that I have a life to lead of my own.

Then again , the ugly head of questions rears its head , I banish it with a swipe of my hand , and dream of the 2 days of bliss ahead of me , and of the work later and curl up hold my teddy and sleep.


Phoenix said...

ah..the conflict...
good luck honey
this really is like a gamble..blind gamble

komal & naveen said...

i just know arpz....that i read through your post and suddenly the calmness i had attained with lot of hard work just vanished.....there is lots more to coem baby!