Of Decisions and Indecisiveness

Hell ! I have a curious habit , I can never allow anyone to know the amount of pain or grief Im going through , can never allow anyone to know of my failure , but when everything goes fine later , I shrug it off as though those huge road blocks in the path were totally non existent ... it sometimes takes a toll on me that I cannot express ... He explains this better for me ... and then when i speak , i speak of anything everything in a flat voice that people would never guess the hurdles Ive been through.

Sadly this , has been influencing my bro in a wrong way ! Ive never spoken of those sleepless nights & the tension filled days I spent studying for CA , the long days& nights , the immense hardwork etc etc ... and he thinks if I can do it "without" effort , he can too ... and now , when i talk of all the hardship I went through to get through the exams , he thinks its false ! :D well...

This last week has been exactly the same for me.

I tried to decide on something which means a lot to me , it turned out to be wrong. I tried to make changes in my life , they turned out to be incorrect , I tried to chose between family and career , a difficult choice , I tried to choose between happiness and sucess , a worse choice for an indecisive person , I tried to choose between success and money , damn !

I made a mess of it all , I spent sleepless nights , I spent a week in constant torture of it all , I put people Ive come to like and respect in a bad situation too , I jeopardised my career , I threw caution to winds , I acted in a most unprofessional manner , In all , I acted in a manner that's not me at all. I do not want to delve into the whys and the hows , but this is what happened , and isnt the result more important than the reason most of the times?

However , for once in my life , I have been lucky. For once , someone other than my dad has accepted me with my foolhardiness ! For once Ive had people accept my mistake and say , "yes , people make mistakes , you have made one , forget it for now and go ahead", For once people have said , yes we are happy you are around.
I think I had once chance in life to make a mistake of a lifetime and in that one chance , people around me , who in fact are no way related to me , kept their heads firmly on thier shoulders and helped me keep my head on my shoulders too . The agony and pain I went through trying to decide , is something I will never want to go through again.

I agree change is inevitable , but some things are better left unchanged , happiness and peace of mind are a couple of them. If it means that I pay a small price for them , well, I am more than willing to pay it.

For once , a pessimist has been shown the optimistic way of life.