Monday, September 6

Post #155

A few days more. By the end of the week, there will be irrevocable changes in lifestyle, thinking, monetary policies, personal finances and temper levels.

No Clue what one should feel .... still yet to be convinced that this huge tummy here isnt a result of eating everything in sight but rather because of a living being inside of it. Maybe one will believe it, when one actually holds the living being in hand.

Meanwhile, I read about her recent loss and feel a real twinge in the tummy. Not quite the same it is, losing a fetus of 3 months in the womb, and losing a kid of 18 years. But everytime I see bro, I realise that she was a year younger than bro here... I dont think twice before I shout at bro, ridicule him, play foul in carroms with him, kick him in the ass or watch cartoons with him, there is no way I can imagine life without bro, as much as I hated him until he was of a decent age (did I mention I hate kids?). My bro is also my son. Emotionally that is, and having lost a baby & being pregnant with another, it hurts to see that the smiling photo up there is that of someone whom no one will see ever again.

Letting go of the last shred of independence in life. Tell me. How am I supposed to feel?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hey! hope your daughter brought along all the happiness and laid your cynicism to rest :)
and it's important you post how you feel, for a lot of us out here who are as afraid of motherhood as (it appeared) you were!